Fourth Holiday 2019

Since my mother passed away in April, there have been three holidays. Easter was the day after she passed, Mother’s Day was two days after her memorial mass in Lincoln, and then Father’s Day just a little over two weeks ago.

Ironically my fourth holiday without my mother is July 4th.

The last three holidays have required extra emotional effort. Effort for a time when you’re supposed to feel happy, cheerful, grateful for all your loved ones. And you are, but that smile and small talk that you force to get out are merely an umbrella that’s trying to keep the sadness that’s raining inside your heart from drenching you completely.

Fourth of July is a holiday for which I do have some good memories of as a child with my mom. Lighting off firecrackers at the dead end of our house, playing with my neighbor friends, and then the parents setting off fireworks in the evening. I was pretty little then. However, I never really had a tradition for the 4th growing up. Since my parents were divorced early in my life, my holidays were always in flux. I always envied families who had cool July 4th traditions. I always just felt like they had so much more fun than I had.

Since meeting my husband, we’ve had consistent July 4th week plans with good friends. The last two years sadly myself and the kids had to stay home due to illness and injury. This is our first year back for the holiday as a family. Truthfully I’m excited and nervous. When you’re in the thick of grieving you’re just afraid you’re going to make everyone around you uncomfortable because you feel like you’re not hiding your sadness well.

In packing up the kids clothes for this week, I found a few red white and blue items my mother had sent for the girls. It made me sad. She always sent them something to wear as she loves buying the girls clothes. I know she’ll be smiling down seeing them wear them since I can’t text her or FaceTime.

Hopefully we can get some sparklers to light with the kids. Mom and I always loved those. I remember her lighting two and twirling around with them like they were batons.

I’m going to do my best to be present and enjoy the time with my family, the friends we love, and try not make everyone uncomfortable. After all, we have a cool tradition, I want to make those fun memories with my kids.