Easter

Saturday April 20th, my mother passed right after midnight. Later that day after Dan and I had slept for few hours, my in-laws came by to watch the kids while we handled finalizing mom’s funeral.

We dropped off dry cleaning, then headed over to grab brunch at a local restaurant, Depot Street Tavern. Dan and I talked, cried, and texted those close to us to inform them of her passing. The food, drinks, and company was good. I was sad, in shock, and oddly at peace.

A trip to Target to get last minute Easter essentials for the kids, because, it had been far from my mind that week, and weeks prior really. Swimsuits were ready for pick up. That was always my mom’s tradition for me on Easter, and it has continued on as a tradition for my children.

By 2pm we were at Edward’s Funeral home to delivery my mom’s dress, jewelry, and shoes.
Wednesday April 24th was the earliest we could schedule her funeral mass. We finalized that, gave the okay for the local obiturary, and planned to meet at the cemetery on Monday morning to pick a burial site location.

It was an ordinary Saturday night with the kids, as ordinary as possible. Getting them ready for bed routine, making sure they were going to get sleep before the Easter bunny was coming.

By 8:00pm they were sleeping and I was handling the Easter spread while Dan folded the back log of laundry. We took our time, sipped drinks, watching something streaming on TV. By 10:30pm I saw Neva in the reflection of our living room window, I quickly turned and went to her to stop her from seeing the Easter loot. She was upset with blanket in hand, whining, “my ear hurts mommy, it feels funky.” Her ear was all red. I asked if it was aching, she said no, it just felt funky. “It feels like I have water in it that I can’t get out.”

I carried her up to our room, gave her some children’s Motrin and she settled into our bed with me. But, she didn’t settle. She flipped and flopped constantly. Half asleep, half awake, restless. The sound of the rain falling was subtle but seemed to be the only thing I could hear.. I didn’t really mind Neva flopping around, because my mind was with my mother, and listening to the rain. Neva was really unsettled. I turned myself to her and rubbed her back, but that didn’t do it. It was nearly 3am when she flipped herself on her back, took my right hand and placed it over her right ear and she stopped moving. She then immediately relaxed and fell asleep.

As I laid there, the only thing I thought of was it was my mother’s way of telling me she had heard everything I had said. That final week of her being sick, she had had her head turned to the left side, so her right side was up, and that was the ear that she would have been able to hear out of. Neva, told me the next morning her ear felt fine.

Waking up Easter Sunday felt weird. The girls and Matty were excited for their baskets. Then Neva and Leni put on their Easter dresses and I watched the Rosary and Easter mass on TV. I didn’t feel much like going to church on the busiest day of the year. Easter really is the Black Friday for people attending church.

Dan made a ham for us to eat and I did my best to be present that day for the kids. I didn’t feel much like anything. I would think the first holiday without a close loved one is always hard, it just maybe isn’t always the next day.

Our wonderful neighbors invited us for dinner and festivities that day. Dan took both the girls over for an Easter egg hunt, which I know they enjoyed. I just couldn’t go. It was mostly a dreary day outside, and I was feeling the same way. Megan, my neighbor, was understanding. My mother had died the day before, I wasn’t up for socializing.

As the day seemed to slowly come to a conclusion, I knew no holiday would ever be or feel the same. I felt sad, empty. Even when mom wasn’t there she enjoyed so much sending gifts to the kids, and Facetiming all of us. I know I’ll always feel she’s missing, watching, but missing.